Pinheads First! Zerbina for President!

© Bill Griffiths, Zippy the Pinhead

I’m Zerbina the Pinhead and I approve this message!

I was going to submit this to The Washington Post's latest contest, "That's The Ticket" (week 782) but it is way too long for that. [NOTE: all quotes and facts are searchable and verifiable at the National Library for Pinheads: www.ZippythePinhead.com, © Bill Griffiths]

And remember, just say NO to book banning!

As you know, Zerbina the Pinhead was first vetted for Veep to Krusty the Clown. Then in a moment of pure party mayhem, the Pinhead Party (PP) decided to nominate Zerbina for president after a routine outing by The National Enquirer of Krusty’s alleged visits to the former Sex Cauldron. Since Krusty’s raucous candidacy, Zerbina has emerged out of seeming nowhere as every Pinhead male’s wet dream and what every Pinhead female considers herself to be.

Zerbina is a consummate consumer but also worries about things like the environment. Seems Pinheads—and women everywhere—can relate to her common sense and frequently surreal approach to life, as well as that zany fashion sense. Lead our nation? You bet!

“I don’t like it when the bears rip up the salmon,” Zerbina was overheard saying while watching a nature program with Zippy, her high school sweetheart and husband since the Carter administration. No worries about air raid slaughters on the Alaskan wolf population or polar bear extinction with this woman!

While there was a brief millennial affair in 2000 with Curly, the manager of Bowl-Mor Lanes, Zippy forgave Zerbina in a realization of mutual post-millennial crisis, something the couple has struggled to overcome.

With a constant self-confessed urge “to acquire molded plastic furniture,” Zerbina is not only a compulsive shopper but after the occasional fight with Zippy she often buys real estate. Zerbina is a frequent on-line shopper and doesn’t want to miss a deal. She also loves the mall and consumer culture. Forget Sarah Palin failing to sell a jet on eBay, Zerbina knows her way around the internet and could organize regular government eBay yard sales to eliminate waste.

Zippy recalled a moment in 1999 when Zerbina was fitful: “Zippy, I can’t sleep!” she said. “I can’t stop worrying about everything…I’m worried about money, social status, cancer, the environment, and the IRS…I hate what Bill Clinton has done to our country!” It was then he knew his wife was presidential material but it took ten years for the race of Pinheads to realize they had a potential world leader in their midst. Although she did admit to having sex with Bill Clinton in 1998, Zerbina and Zippy remain a happily married power Pinhead couple. They are the nuclear parents of two little Pinheads: Meltdown and Fuelrod.

Here is a synopsis of Zerbina the Pinhead’s position on various issues:

RELIGION—No worries about confusion of church and state with this Pinhead, unless you’re concerned about mandatory jelly donut eating. She and her husband have been known to worship jelly donuts and Zerbina has been heard to give thanks to Safeway “for these additives which we are about to receive.”

RIGHTS of WOMEN (the “F” Question)—When Zippy went to Promise Keepers in the 1990s and tried to tell Zerbina that from now on he’s head of the house and that her place was to raise the kids, she “reminded him that he had no job, no prospects for a job, no marketable skill and that he only sporadically remembers he’s married.” That was the end of that. Folks, Zerbina wears the muumuu in that family and isn’t this the kind of woman we want as president?

MAJOR WORLD ISSUES—When Zippy asked Zerbina late in 1999 if she understood anything about science, politics, or economics she answered: “No, absolutely nothing! I read but it all goes by in a blur!” But she’s made progress. In August 1998 she vowed to “never shop in the factory outlets outside Hartford until a test ban treaty is signed.” Is there a bolder statement coming from a Pinhead mother and wife? She also regularly ponders things like campaign finance reform and global warming. And who wouldn’t agree with her motto: “Think Global. Act Loco”? Yes, Zerbina is Pinhead presidential material if there ever was one.

POLITICAL (and other) EXPERIENCE—In 1999 Zerbina briefly contemplated running for New York Senator Moynihan’s vacant seat but the rest is history. However, the Pinheads are vetting Zerbina with the understanding that little or no experience is needed to run this great country of ours. Remember: Country First—Experience Later!

PINHEAD PRESIDENTIAL FASHION PROSPECTS—Pinheads Go Hawaiian!—With Zerbina as president and Zippy as “First Pinhead” you can expect the muumuu to make a full and welcome return in 2009. It’s not a far stretch when you see the man skirt appearing at fall fashion shows this season.

OTHER—Zerbina the Pinhead is also a mean skateboarder and acknowledges scientific discovery (as in that the universe will continue to expand indefinitely). She has no known aversion to teaching science in the schools nor does she have dinosauraphobia (the act of refuting all dinosaur fossil remains).

She is also always available for a 3am phone call as Zerbina suffers from frequent bouts of insomnia. After an argument over an unlikely extramarital affair of Zippy and how she’d never bring impeachment proceedings against him, her husband remembers her sitting up in bed and saying, “Well, now that we’ve settled that, let’s resolve the Mid-East crisis, the Cuban trade embargo and Bosnia!!” As president, Zerbina the Pinhead will be a “take charge” kind of gal, 24-7.

Submitted by Campaign Director,
Zerbina the Pinhead for President