Why You Won't Find Sandra Bernhard on the Information Highway

I have liked Sandra Bernhard's zany and wry wit since seeing her bust up (and often piss off) David Letterman in the 1980s. Tonight on PerezHilton there was an especially raunchy clip of Bernhard in regards to Sarah Palin. As she seemed to want everyone to spread the word, I'm doing so. However, it's too vile and out there for me to post it directly, even though I don't care for Sarah Palin as a vice-presidential candidate or possible future president. That's when I found this somewhat tamer, less political clip.

I do enjoy my computer but am trying to limit my time with it. As for phones, they can all go away and I wouldn't mind (except, like on the rare occasion this weekend, when I travel alone). Sandra seems to voice what I've been thinking for a very long time. [And Cupcakes, I will be sending some byway postcards very soon...]

And speaking of funny mamas, I think she is pregnant with her daughter in this clip (a while ago now):

For the Love of God, Don't Get Your Hair Cut at Wal-Mart!

What was I thinking? I have probably lived in the south-central part of our country for way too long now and the warmer, sometimes tropical, climes and longer days have affected my brain. We've been here almost two months--actually seven if you count all the months this year combined: but that included three trips back to New England for hair cuts with James (ok, and other things). Ah, James. Where are you now that I need you most? Oh yes, it is I that left you and everything familiar.

I was in Wal-Mart today. I go to Wal-Mart and sometimes K-Mart (yes, K-Mart). Sometimes these are the only places around here to find what you are looking for, especially housewares (and they are top rate at K-Mart in terms of baking and utensil and storage items). And they're cheap. I've even bought groceries at Wal-Mart. Besides, the nearest Target is in Lexington and that's a 90 mile/90 minute drive.

Wal-Mart, in a really strange and insidious way, is trying to be the new town square: groceries, hardware, optical shop, clothing, dry goods, bank, hair salon. Experientially this does not work for me but I get what they're doing and they're giving it good to small town America. We can single-handedly thank Wal-Mart for taking most businesses away from small towns and rolling up the sidewalk on Mom and Pop businesses on town squares. I am complicit but I am not a convert.

Well friends, that is where I really lost it: at the hair salon. Oh, walk-ins welcome! No one in line, my husband's aunt and I both desperately needed hair cuts. Why not? Well, I should have taken this sign more seriously: "No refunds, no exceptions." Mmm. But consider this, dear reader. I am 1,100 hundred miles from my regular hair stylist. He was the owner and he charged $45 for a cut and wash. Down here that would buy you about three hair cuts (before you throw in the tip). Of course, not being really concerned about such things as finding a new hairstylist (I procrastinate when it comes to things like change), I had reached the point of desperation. Clearly. [Now I believe that's the seventh adverb in this diabtribe--try writing without adverbs, especially when you are upset. It can be difficult. Clearly.]

I have to say in all fairness and full disclosure that my hair has been whacked since spring 2007. I was taking a medication which apparently causes major hair loss in most who take it and I found this out a month later, as I was holding a wad of hair in my hand and surfing Google about hair loss. I had noticed an immediate change in my hair texture and a lot more hair in my sink, shower and hands whenever I touched it. I stopped this medication a year later because losing all of that hair was not helping my anxiety or depression (which is why I was on Lexapro in the first place). Five months later, post pill purge, I'm still losing my hair. Perhaps it takes longer for the hair root, shaft and follicles to realize it is no longer depressed. Let's hope so.


Disclaimer: This is not me, it is Victoria Beckham (aka "Posh" Spice). She seems to have started the trend of the female reverse mullet which has been cranked to the max down here below the Mason-Dixon line.

So I've had a lot of bad hair days this year and I can't entirely blame the stylist (hair hacker) at today's salon. I would say I have what is probably termed a reverse mullet but the more conservative variety you see on many women down here or on Oprah audience members. I asked for a bob, shorter than my former hair but not shorn like a sheep. Well, baa. Baa, baa, baa. The back is short and curly (ok, we won't go there) and the front is like two big long forelocks. If my hair wasn't naturally curly these would be as straight as a horse's mane. A reverse mullet is like a traditional 1920s style bob on major steroids.


Meet the Mullets! [Or is this Wilma, Pebbles and BamBam?]

Meanwhile, my husband pointed out that you could see my scalp in places in the back. This is after I said, "aren't you going to comment on my hair cut?" He hadn't noticed until I mentioned it. For the rest of the evening I could forgive the odd looks he was giving me. And then he got physically ill. I'm not kidding. Sick as a dog. Confined to his room ever since.

I am heading to a conference tomorrow. Never get a haircut two days before you have to speak in front of large room of people you've never met before. While I will have visions of them in their underwear, they will be wondering, who is this radiation victim? Well, she got what she paid for: at Wal-Mart.

More about hair wars when I return (and more pics!).

Refrigerator Wars

Just today my friend Edie reminded me of a conundrum that my husband and I have had since we got married. Two-door or single door refrigerator? I grew up with a single door and could always find stuff. Even if it was buried in the back, the width of the fridge allowed you to be able to see behind other things. And it was never deep enough to allow anything to hide in the back and molder for months at a time. It also was never 3,000 cubic feet of space and depth. Like a closet or a pantry cupboard, refrigerators should never be too deep or too large. Maybe there was a sensible reason women shopped more frequently. Forget waste not want not. How about see no evil, smell no evil?

About twelve years ago when we renovated our New Hampshire house we bought one of those big, SuperCubic fridges. It had two doors, lots of shelves, capacious storage space, and the coveted ice and water dispenser in the door. I have thrown away more waste from that refrigerator and freezer just by the nature of its design. Shelves were never wide enough for party preparations so things invariably got jammed in the back. Stuff in the far corners of the fridge invariably froze into a solid mass. Iced lettuce anyone?

The unit was almost three feet deep so my short person arms could barely reach all the way in. This necessitated having to stand on a teetering stool or asking my husband or children to fetch something for me lest I fell in and became part of a weeks-old mystery casserole.

"Oh, Mama, you're such a dwarf!"

Imagine the rollicking laughter as mama tries to prepare dinner only to have a chorus of voices and pointing fingers at the skirt-clad Mrs. Oompa Loompa, half in the fridge, half out of it, who is only trying to feed her young. [Speaking of Oompa Loompas, here is the very best scene in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie, with Gene Wilder, set to hip-hop. Although freakish, it defines my life on most days! On second thought, I don't believe there were any females of the species at the chocolate factory but surely they must have existed in Ooompa Loompa land.]

Our new fridge, which we inherited with the double-wide, is a newer two-door model with less depth and more width. Made by Maytag, it's a step up from our 12-year old General Electric model. But things can still get lost in it. We like the ice machine and water dispenser. I'm learning to live in two-door paradise and trying to be more vigilant about what's in the fridge and where. But here's the other problem: just when you get a system in place and know where everything is, one of five other members of your household comes in, rearranges or uses things, and then doesn't put the item back where it belongs. Isn't that the reason for most failed organizational plans? For most discord in life?


The Brits and Aussies have the right idea in fridge size (or at least used to). But where to put all of those party platters? © State Library of Victoria

For some reason men--and I believe it is the group of men who are not regular cooks--seem to prefer the really big cubic, two-door variety. Maybe it is because they don't like the idea that the other kind doesn't have an ice machine. Maybe they just have large appliance envy. This group of men also doesn't know much about organizing things. They would rather shove something in a drawer or bin or back of the fridge than to put it into any kind of order. And then they have the nerve to complain because you haven't used up things in the fridge, often items that they have placed carefully into the cavernous nether regions of the electric food cave.

My standard line in such moments? "Oh, I must have forgotten it was there!"

Clearly. This response doesn't cast blame or attack the other fridge user and it deflects blame in a careful manner. It is also just a statement of fact. Out of sight, out of mind. I suspect that these two-door fridge designers are in collusion with the food industry. I can hear the pitch now when they went from one-door to two-door fridges back in the 1970s:


You see, we tempt them with capaciousness and then those unsuspecting housewives stuff these babies to the gills and shop more and then forget what they've bought! And their husbands and kids further screw up the works by 'getting into the fridge' all the time. Brilliant. Oh, and add the ice/water dispenser in the freezer door. Men will want those for their cocktails and let's face it, men will be the ultimate lure in the refrigerator purchase. Women just think they have the upper hand on this one but the guys still buy and bring home the bacon. The little dolls just put it away...in their new two-door refrigerators! They'll never know what hit them! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!

**This LG 4-door French refrigerator-freezer is probably the right idea: 2 freezer drawers and even an ice machine on the left fridge door, as per tradition. [Images from The Appliancist]

If and when we build our "dream farmhouse" I'm going to plan for one of those refrigerators with the fridge on top and the freezer chest down below. It will be no more than counter depth, 24 inches, and I will have a smaller freezer-only option in the pantry with its own ice machine to keep "the boys" happy (ok, and yes, they are handy, I will concede). I envision it to be like the cabinet-door clad, counter depth designer fridge that my friend Peaches has in her well-designed dream kitchen. But she only has one other person getting into her fridge. To me, that idea is practically bliss.

**Someone is making a LOT of money from the "LG" logo = Life's Good. They just copyrighted the phrase. Imagine that.

Pinheads First! Zerbina for President!

© Bill Griffiths, Zippy the Pinhead

I’m Zerbina the Pinhead and I approve this message!

I was going to submit this to The Washington Post's latest contest, "That's The Ticket" (week 782) but it is way too long for that. [NOTE: all quotes and facts are searchable and verifiable at the National Library for Pinheads: www.ZippythePinhead.com, © Bill Griffiths]

And remember, just say NO to book banning!

As you know, Zerbina the Pinhead was first vetted for Veep to Krusty the Clown. Then in a moment of pure party mayhem, the Pinhead Party (PP) decided to nominate Zerbina for president after a routine outing by The National Enquirer of Krusty’s alleged visits to the former Sex Cauldron. Since Krusty’s raucous candidacy, Zerbina has emerged out of seeming nowhere as every Pinhead male’s wet dream and what every Pinhead female considers herself to be.

Zerbina is a consummate consumer but also worries about things like the environment. Seems Pinheads—and women everywhere—can relate to her common sense and frequently surreal approach to life, as well as that zany fashion sense. Lead our nation? You bet!

“I don’t like it when the bears rip up the salmon,” Zerbina was overheard saying while watching a nature program with Zippy, her high school sweetheart and husband since the Carter administration. No worries about air raid slaughters on the Alaskan wolf population or polar bear extinction with this woman!

While there was a brief millennial affair in 2000 with Curly, the manager of Bowl-Mor Lanes, Zippy forgave Zerbina in a realization of mutual post-millennial crisis, something the couple has struggled to overcome.

With a constant self-confessed urge “to acquire molded plastic furniture,” Zerbina is not only a compulsive shopper but after the occasional fight with Zippy she often buys real estate. Zerbina is a frequent on-line shopper and doesn’t want to miss a deal. She also loves the mall and consumer culture. Forget Sarah Palin failing to sell a jet on eBay, Zerbina knows her way around the internet and could organize regular government eBay yard sales to eliminate waste.

Zippy recalled a moment in 1999 when Zerbina was fitful: “Zippy, I can’t sleep!” she said. “I can’t stop worrying about everything…I’m worried about money, social status, cancer, the environment, and the IRS…I hate what Bill Clinton has done to our country!” It was then he knew his wife was presidential material but it took ten years for the race of Pinheads to realize they had a potential world leader in their midst. Although she did admit to having sex with Bill Clinton in 1998, Zerbina and Zippy remain a happily married power Pinhead couple. They are the nuclear parents of two little Pinheads: Meltdown and Fuelrod.

Here is a synopsis of Zerbina the Pinhead’s position on various issues:

RELIGION—No worries about confusion of church and state with this Pinhead, unless you’re concerned about mandatory jelly donut eating. She and her husband have been known to worship jelly donuts and Zerbina has been heard to give thanks to Safeway “for these additives which we are about to receive.”

RIGHTS of WOMEN (the “F” Question)—When Zippy went to Promise Keepers in the 1990s and tried to tell Zerbina that from now on he’s head of the house and that her place was to raise the kids, she “reminded him that he had no job, no prospects for a job, no marketable skill and that he only sporadically remembers he’s married.” That was the end of that. Folks, Zerbina wears the muumuu in that family and isn’t this the kind of woman we want as president?

MAJOR WORLD ISSUES—When Zippy asked Zerbina late in 1999 if she understood anything about science, politics, or economics she answered: “No, absolutely nothing! I read but it all goes by in a blur!” But she’s made progress. In August 1998 she vowed to “never shop in the factory outlets outside Hartford until a test ban treaty is signed.” Is there a bolder statement coming from a Pinhead mother and wife? She also regularly ponders things like campaign finance reform and global warming. And who wouldn’t agree with her motto: “Think Global. Act Loco”? Yes, Zerbina is Pinhead presidential material if there ever was one.

POLITICAL (and other) EXPERIENCE—In 1999 Zerbina briefly contemplated running for New York Senator Moynihan’s vacant seat but the rest is history. However, the Pinheads are vetting Zerbina with the understanding that little or no experience is needed to run this great country of ours. Remember: Country First—Experience Later!

PINHEAD PRESIDENTIAL FASHION PROSPECTS—Pinheads Go Hawaiian!—With Zerbina as president and Zippy as “First Pinhead” you can expect the muumuu to make a full and welcome return in 2009. It’s not a far stretch when you see the man skirt appearing at fall fashion shows this season.

OTHER—Zerbina the Pinhead is also a mean skateboarder and acknowledges scientific discovery (as in that the universe will continue to expand indefinitely). She has no known aversion to teaching science in the schools nor does she have dinosauraphobia (the act of refuting all dinosaur fossil remains).

She is also always available for a 3am phone call as Zerbina suffers from frequent bouts of insomnia. After an argument over an unlikely extramarital affair of Zippy and how she’d never bring impeachment proceedings against him, her husband remembers her sitting up in bed and saying, “Well, now that we’ve settled that, let’s resolve the Mid-East crisis, the Cuban trade embargo and Bosnia!!” As president, Zerbina the Pinhead will be a “take charge” kind of gal, 24-7.

Submitted by Campaign Director,
Zerbina the Pinhead for President

When I'm Dead I Will Wear Purple

I've been meaning to bring this up for oh, the past 15 years. What's with wearing purple when you're old? How about wearing it now? Or how about not wearing it? Red hats don't go well with purple, either. How about green? Then you can at least look like a cluster of grapes, especially if your midsection is all bunchy and dappled.

I have a hard time with old people wearing purple and showing up at tea parties dressed in red hats. Nothing against purple or red or old people or even tea parties. Goodness knows, I've downed a few cups in my day! It's just that these women are flagrantly admitting that they're old. They are probably also very big supporters of their colleges and were in women's clubs or Junior Leaguers. But everyone has kicked them out of those so they have to go around in purple and red get-ups. In other words they are admittedly old purple people-eaters and have probably gone through one too many bridge luncheons in their day.

I just hope the woman who wrote that stupid poem is making a lot of residuals off of "Red Hat Society" junk.

There, I've said it.